Wednesday, December 28, 2005
this is, in heidegger's terms, falling
this is because i want to write for in writing, i speak my mind.
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it must have been good, if good is to be defined as pleasing, that i was with my high school friends yesterday. prior to that day, i received a text message from Leslie telling me that we have to meet in order to plan for our christmas get-together. we actually had a plan to go to Enchanted Kingdom as our Tropa traditionally does. but due to certain things, we can't go on with that plan and had to make a new one.
the truth is, i do not care what the plan is (or what will the new one be). all i want is to see my friends and spend some time with them (just like we used to, back then). back in high school, i was so excited to go to college -- a could-be implication that i was not very much attached to them such that i can still live comfortably without them. but i'm not sure of this. indeed, i don't want such to be the case. i was very sure back then that i'm gonna miss them as we part our ways. i do, actually. to my knowledge, such is the case.
there seems to be no problem if such is the casse. i don't know why and can't understand myself why things are different now -- why that despite of my want to bring back the old happy times spent with them, i am not only hesitant, but also not in want to go out with them. i started to feel this since my freshman year in college and tried to deal with it by saying a lie to myself that "yes, i am happy conversing with them". but no, such could not be the case. or maybe yes, it could be. i could be happy but not Happy especially in conversations with them. by conversation, here, i meant the use of language, be it verbal or not. so this includes all the utterances (including speeach acts) implying that almost everything and every moment shared with them comprises this conversation i have talked about.
i am actually not sure of what the feeling is as it seems to be that the wholeness of this feeling is comprised of contradicting feelings all at once. it's like that i want to see them and not see them both at the same time; i want to spend time with them and not spend time with them both at the same time; it's as if i miss them and do not miss them both at the same time. weird, but it actually is. this is the first time that i blurt these things out in writing. i must say that this helps me know myself better.
i am not sure if this is right to speak of these. i'm not even sure if it is right to write of these things and publish publicly. the truth is when i'm with them, i experience the fallenness (or falling, in heidegger's terms). now i can relate to his Being and Time. it's as if i just spend time with them just because i see it as an obligation because i'm a friend or a part of that group. other than this obligation, there's nothing. i am not happy. my being cannot be revealed in the time spent with them. i tried so much to be happy and wished to be indeed happy. i can be, but not Happy. if happiness is a state of mind, this tells me that Happiness is not.
i never felt being out-of-placed (OP) as we use it in our everyday language. i can easily adapt to any environment as i have been doing this for a long time. i am flexible enough to deal with others. but they are not others; their envronment is my environment. this is why i don't understand why. i don't understand why. things tend to be different now. i do not know who or what changed. one probable reason that i suspect is the conflicting interests and/or priorities. call me a stupid friend but this is the truth as i perceive it: i personally think that conversations that they used to and want to engage in are just that of superficial things. they are contented with mediocrity. i, on the other hand, am not and indeed against it. i always am after excellence. not to say that they are contented and don't want to achieve excellence. no, the case is not like that. if they would happen to read this, they might (as it is indeed highly probable) not understand this because they are stuck in the superficial level of looking at things. they see things without really looking at them because they are normal and (just) tend to go on with the trend. they just want to be happy, disregarding the fact that they can be Happy. if they don't understand the previous statement, i am correct in saying that they are stuck in the superficial level. such are the case, and i can say that this is both the advantage and the disadvantage of being a student of philosophy. part of it is that you think about thinking when people do not even want to think. these things could be interpreted by the normal people literally. but these things go beyond what's literal.
oh, i miss my Friends, but there's nothing i can do with this. how one lives is a choice. no one should ever dictate that person to live and believe the same way he/she does.
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this could be a defense as to why i often not (and prefer not to) go to the set outings or gimmicks, but this is more of an explication of an almost unexplicable feeling of fleeing caused by falling. again, an explication, more than a defense.
..
or maybe i am the one stuck in the superficial level at looking at them.
i don't know.
but there's a fleeing due to falling, indeed.
11:06 PM
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